“It’s my birthday and I’ll cry if I want to – cry if I want to – cry if I want to”. Yes, I know the real lyrics are “It’s my PARTY and I’ll cry if I want to …” If you have no idea what I am talking about – that’s proof I AM old!
Truthfully, if I cry today for turning another year older, it’s tears of JOY, GRATITUDE and APPRECIATION for life’s experiences.
At 51 years “young” I don’t feel much older than I did in high school, it’s only when I pass a mirror that I am reminded of my age. I decided to make a list of all the things I have been fortunate to experience throughout the past half-a-century as a reminder how precious life truly is ….
Born on ranch in Montana to the best family ever!
Rode horses everyday…. okay not everyday, but a lot
Met my future husband at age 8
My mother saw that I was kept busy so I didn’t have time to get into trouble; Dance, Piano, Guitar, Voice Lessons, Gymnastics and played in the Band – alto saxophone
Grew up with 6 living grandparents
Kept busy in High School: Senior Class President, Vice-President of Ski Club, Gymnastics team-Captain, Seminary Council, Choir Secretary – these roles landed me a Leadership Scholarship to BYU!
Skier – favorite resort: Alta
Loved the College life – BYU and BYU-Hawaii
Learned to Surf and Snorkel. (hate snorkeling – claustrophobic)
Married my secret High School crush – Scott Mackintosh
Mother of 7 AMAZING kids
Natural childbirth
One C-Section
Milked goats for 12 years
Community Service “Door Knocker” Award
4H Horsemanship Leader – 17 years
England and Scotland – Twice
I’m a Cruise-a-holic – 8 Cruises
Para-Sailing- Twice (hated it – scared to death of heights)
India – Twice (loved, loved, loved my experience in India and the priceless friendships made)
Dubai
Rode a Camel and an Elephant
Camping with my family – love roasting marshmellows around a camp fire
Worked for two AMAZING Speaker/Authors: Kevin Hall and Chad Hymas which led to meeting….
Inspiring people: Immaculée Ilibagiza, Emmanuel Kelly, Rolanda Watts, Sean Stevenson, Dave Winfield, Mark Sandborn, Bridget Cook, Rebecca Musser, Lisa Nichols, Allison Byrd, Thurl Bailey, Mark Eaton, Jason Hewlett and the master of words Arthur Watkins. ….and so many others through the National Speakers Association.
Wrote a book “My Husband Wears The Short Shorts In THIS Family!”
Met and conversed with the LDS Prophet Thomas S. Monson for 20 minutes – a highlight of my life!
and the BESTEST of all ….I am a GRANDMA!
I am truly indebted to God, my Heavenly Father, who has deeply blessed me, carried me through dark times when I wanted to give up, wiped away my tears when my heart was breaking, allowed me to experience and grow through trials and challenges and has not let a day go by that God didn’t tell me or show me how much He loves me. I see it in my children’s faces, in my husband’s hug, in the flowers, the birds and the many wonderful friends that contribute to who I am. I am a child of God, a wife, mother and friend, what more could a person ask for? I can’t think of a dang thing, except for perhaps a big piece of strawberry short cake. HaPpY Birthday to me!
My husband Scott posted something serious as his Facebook status, it caught me by surprise, because he likes to keep things on the lighter side. When I read it, I knew it needed to be my next blog post ….so HERE IT IS …
On The Serious Side. by Scott Mackintosh
OK, I am weird, I admit that, but let me explain. I dread every funeral that comes my way. I dread them because of the obvious reasons of death and finality. I have been attending too many funerals as of late, and in nearly every instance it was someone that I considered too young.
Now let me explain why I might be different than most, because so far I am most likely on track with the norm. …
Funerals
I feel that they are the BEST church meetings that one can attend. (Weird huh?) I have held on to every word that has been spoken. I have seen more love and compassion from loved ones than I could fathom. I have enjoyed these services beyond my dreams. Bottom line is that I have learned so much.
What I have learned …
First, is to never judge. Jesus Christ is the judge and my job is to love. I can never fully know what trials others are asked to bear.
Second, is that its not up to me to decide what is too young. My trust in God tells me that the presence of God and passed loved ones has to be better than the pains associated with mortal life, although there is MUCH joy in this life. I should be happy for those who pass the test and get to live with God again. My mortal mind tells me something different than that.
Third, I feel a closer presence of loved ones past whom I really get the impression that they send promptings to help me succeed. At funerals I stop my busy life long enough to feel those impressions while the veil of forgetfulness becomes somewhat thin.
Fourth, I become more vulnerable on those sacred days. I hug more. I say the words “I Love You” more and the best part is that I truly mean it.
Fifth, is that I appreciate life so much more and am reminded to not take loved ones for granted. I treasure the re-acquaintances of family and friends.
Sixth, is that its OK to CRY. Quit fighting it and let it go. It’s a great relief and others wont be able to see you through their own tears anyway.
Seventh, and final item, is that God teaches me on those sacred days. Because of the words spoken and even the unspoken words, I ALWAYS walk away with a deeper desire and commitment to be a BETTER person.
I am sorry and ashamed that it takes those types of reminders to recommit, but that is what funerals do for me. I attended two yesterday, of beautiful people who did much good in this world, that is why I am a bit sensitive today. I am sorry if this is not my normal funny me, but dang it, this is my way to heal.
Now having said all this, I pray that it’s quite a while before the next one.
Have you ever said something that didn’t quite come out right? Boy I have, more than once!
The other day a friend, who was not afraid to be blunt and honest, sent me the following message:
“You mentioned in your video (A Very Real Matter: Same-Sex Attraction) that ‘LIFE IS TO BE ENJOYED, NOT ENDURED’. While I like the concept and wish it were true all the time, I disagree with that, at least in part.”
FINALLY someone called me out on the one line that had bothered me from the very first time I viewed the video of my son Sean and me. We started filming at 10:30pm without a script – we spoke from our heart. It was late, we were tired, and it was our last night to get it done. My daughter Kelsey, who filmed the 35-minute interview, was visiting for Christmas and heading back to her home the following morning. After hours of editing to condense the message, Kelsey sent us the now 6-minute video. As I watched it, I felt good about the message; the only line that I was hesitant with was;
“Life is to be enjoyed, not endured”
What I thought I had said and what had actually come out, were two different things. The option for a “do-over” was gone. I KNOW everyone has challenges both big and small and YES we are often asked to endure HARD things. It’s what builds our character and makes us who we are. Our option was to take the whole line out or leave it in. Obviously we opted to leave it in. The blog article which accompanied the video got it right:
“Life is to be enJOYed, not JUST endured!”
One word makes all the difference!
The friend who called me out on the line in the video, is my friend Rich, he’s someone who KNOWS the meaning of enduring hard things, he also know the sweet JOYS of life.
I replied to Rich’s email thanking him for his honesty and asked him to read my blog where I had adding the word “just” to my plea. He immediately replied:
“OK, I definitely can get behind the “Life should be enjoyed not JUST endured. That makes sense to me. In fact, it’s been my experience that the traumas and challenges in life, are what give the enjoy part of life a much sweeter taste! Besides, I don’t think I’ve ever experienced personal growth sitting on a white sandy beach, sipping on a drink. Instead, it’s been life’s traumas that have been the catalyst to growth and what has molded my character. There are parts of life that we all must endure.”
You see, Rich survived a solo plane crash; this is the account in his own words:
“On September 14, 1987, I was piloting a Piper Supercub (a bush plane), looking for stray cows for my brother Pete. Pete is a cattle rancher and had cows turned out in the Strawberry Mountain Wilderness area in Eastern Oregon. Shortly after take off during my last flight of the day, the airplane developed engine problems and I crashed at the base of the mountain. When the plane hit, the wing tanks burst (I had just fueled the airplane) and aviation fuel flooded the cockpit, soaking me and then exploded. I was trapped in the airplane. My father and brother were on horseback, saw the airplane go down, rode to the crash site and saw how bad it was. To this day I do not know how I got out of the airplane, but I honestly suspect some kind of divine intervention. My dad rode down the hill to a road, was able to flag down a car who took him to a house, and the people happened to be home. He called the emergency number and an ambulance happened to be a few minutes away from me servicing a logging accident. They got to me in record time, and took me to the a little hospital about 45 minutes away. The last thing I remember is one of the doctors cutting off my wedding ring with a little saw of some kind. I remained in a coma for 10 days. I was 30 years old. My son was 9 months old.”
The results of the accident were as follows:
3rd degree burns to 75% of my body
47 days in critical condition
Major infection – cheated death twice
90 days in intensive care
18 months in a pressure suit
2 years at the hospital
33 major surgeries over 6 1/2 years
My wife left after 3 months (leaving my son with me)
The blessings of the accident have been many, and I almost do not have room to write about all of them. Some of the highlights are:
I got to experience what it’s like to totally depend on God.
My priorities were instantly correct, I care deeply about people and not so much about things anymore.
I got to experience the deepest love, sacrifice and dedication of my family.
I got to spend 24/7/365 with my son for many years. What father get’s to do that? And because of this, my son and I are closer than any other father and son I know. We have a tight bond between us.
I tend to enjoy life, including the simplest of things much more than people who have not endured a life threatening trauma.
I got to experience more pain than most people have.
I enjoyed additional depth of typical life challenges, including financial, physical, spiritual social (like how to get a date).
My faith in God increased, as did my confidence that even life’s biggest obstacles can be overcome.
I know I can get through almost anything.
I became very passionate about health.
I now have the opportunity to help others going through similar trauma’s.
Rich goes on to say:
“Today, 27 years later, my life is not without problems. They continue to come, and I have even more great stories about the difficulties in life. However, My son, is healthy, my family is healthy, I am healthy, and I’m still very confident God is in control. I don’t know if I would want to go through another life experience like my airplane crash again, but having already been through it, I know the benefits that came from it, it made the whole ordeal beyond worthwhile and I feel very fortunate I got to experience it.”
THANK YOU Rich for being real! Being you! And for being a living testament that “Life is to be enJOYed, not JUST endured.”
Watch this short video… it’s a great intro to the blog post.
A Very Real Matter: Same-Sex Attraction
Life was meant to be enJOYed, not just endured.
What happens when someone in your family announces they have same-sex attraction?
Do you kick them out?
Do you love them unconditionally?
This is a sensitive subject, one that brings much controversy no matter your background.
The purpose of this video and post is to invite families, and society in general, to reinvest in kindness. When we look around at the amount of judgment and hatred in the world, the honest response is that we all could do better. It is my belief that we, the human race, are to LOVE one another, SERVE one another and do our very best to HELP one another with the challenges and trials that come our way.
It doesn’t matter where you live or what your religious beliefs are; if you are rich, poor, brown, black, white, pink or green – we all have the same basic needs. We all want to feel we belong, are loved and valued. God said, “Love one another as I have loved you.” He wasn’t just talking to your neighbor. He was talking to you and me and even those in our families that may make different choices than we would. Intolerance is why there is so much hate, war and bullying in this world. It needs to stop. Things need to change.
Gandhi said it best; “Be the change you wish to see in the world.”
It was January 9, 2012, when my 24-year-old son Sean, told his father Scott and I that he was gay, in the best way he knew how. Precisely at 11:11 pm, he sent us a private message saying;
“Hey so I’m not gonna beat around the bush too much, I’m just going to tell you something that I’m sure you already know or it has at least crossed your mind plenty of times. I’m gay. I’m sure this isn’t the best news a parent could hear, but I feel like it’s not right for me to Not talk to you about something very real to me. I want you to know I’m very much the same weird Sean. Ha! I love you and dad so much and you’re the best parents a kid could ask for. This is why it’s taken me so long to tell you, I’m fine with the pain it can bring me at times but, I just didn’t want to hurt you ’cause you don’t deserve it. Once again I love you very much, but I want to keep this brief ’cause I am sure you’d rather talk in person and I am 100 percent fine with that. I haven’t told anyone ever, I wanted you and dad to be the first to know.”
The sting of reading the words “I’m gay,” was masked by the last sentence: “I haven’t told anyone ever, I wanted you and dad to be the first to know” – to me that validated how awesome, amazing and considerate my son is! It also shed light on the fact that my son had closeted his most conflicted and torn feelings with lock and key – alone. That, I was not proud of.
Sean was correct in his assumption that this had “at least crossed my mind”. I had often wondered about my strikingly, good-looking son that only dated when the girls took the initiative and asked him out. It was a thought I kept very quiet, and secret, hardly daring to think it to myself. It was something I “hoped” was not true! But here it was in black and white – my son announcing that he was gay. His father, on the other-hand, had no clue. Scott was honestly completely blind-sided by the news. It shook him to his core. Not that he didn’t love Sean. He simply had not seen this coming and it wasn’t something he’d even slightly acknowledged.
Immediately upon reading Sean’s message, I called him asking to hurry home so we could talk, face-to-face. This was Sean’s final night before heading back to school in Hawaii. He was out visiting friends and saying his good-byes for another year. When he got home, he and I stayed up until 4am talking, crying and hugging before calling it a night and heading to the airport those few hours later. It was one of the most difficult things I’d ever done under the circumstances; giving him one last hug that would have to suffice for an entire year.
Going Through My Own Refiner’s Fire
As I look back on that very first conversation, I have to admit that I am not proud of everything I said. I said some things completely out of ignorance. I had never researched the subject – naively thinking that was a subject “other families” had to deal with — NOT me and my family.
First, I told Sean I loved him – and that my love would NEVER change. I felt very strongly that he needed to know of my unconditional love for him. But then I gave him a pep talk, “What are you going to do about it?” “You are a fighter Sean – you can fight this.” “Hang in there, this is your test, your challenge, and in the next life your feelings will match your body and all will be well.” As these phrases spilled off my lips, I honestly thought I was giving words of comfort, not knowing each phrase was a dagger in my son’s heart. The phrases weren’t new. He had grown up hearing them everywhere – and he had spent a lifetime trying to digest and understand why he felt the way he felt and what kind of life that meant for him.
What literally broke my heart that evening was looking at my 24-year-old son, and thinking my adorable little boy with the big smile had grown up dealing with this secret all alone – NO one to trust and talk to about it. I cried then, and I cry still now. Tears also come at the thought of thousands of kids and teens with same-sex attraction dealing with it ALONE, afraid to talk about their true feelings and contemplating suicide as the answer. Death is NOT the answer.
As I have listened to my son tell of what it was like growing up “fighting an inward battle” trying to “fit in” in a world that frowns upon gays; belonging to a religion that is family-centered and strongly believes marriage is between a man and a woman, and in a family that teaches the same. My heart breaks at the thought of my own flesh and blood growing up feeling like a misfit right in our home, in school, in society, and within the walls of our church. Growing up he never let on to the sadness and confusion going on inside. He was a happy, active, fun-loving little boy and teenager. We just didn’t know. Even his friends didn’t know. If an Oscar could be awarded, Sean would have won. He hid his feelings well.
The dagger in my heart are the piercing words of Sean telling of the years he contemplated ending his life so no one would ever know he was gay. It is my prayer and quest that NO ONE feels that way – Ever!
I am so thankful Sean never acted upon those dark feelings and is happy with the person he is, trying to live the best life he can, just like everyone else.
I have Googled, read, fasted and prayed to become more educated. One startling fact that I learned in my quest to gain knowledge and understanding is that teens and young adults with same-sex attraction have one of the highest rates of suicide attempts…..THAT is unacceptable! No one should go to bed at night thinking they are better off dead. Never. Ever. We need to be the change we wish to see in the world – LOVE one another, SERVE one another and HELP one another.
I have learned through the years that everyone is fighting some kind of battle. The gift this has given me is not to judge, to be more compassionate, kind and tolerant – and to treat all others the way I would want to be treated.
No matter where you stand on this sensitive subject, I pray that we may all respond with much more sensitivity and thoughtfulness in our families and in society when encountering same-sex attraction.
P.S. To my readers who are wondering about Sean’s father Scott’s reaction. Scott had deep-rooted feelings of Homophobia, so Sean had grown up hearing his father’s unkind perception of gays, making the “coming out” all that more difficult. Once that table had been turned and Scott knew it, he blew me away with his quick quest to learn all he could about the elephant in the room. What I will tell you is that in his own due time, Scott will share his personal refiner’s fire to accepting and loving his son. And it will be powerful and heartfelt.
P.P.S. In April of 2013, Sean graduated with honors from BYU-Hawaii with a degree in Social Work. He recently completed an internship at an Orphanage in Thailand and has been accepted into the Masters Program at the University of Hawaii. Sean is a happy, easy-going guy with a great sense of humor. He’s an Eagle Scout and has always been a leader amongst his peers. For example, Sean paid for his college education all by himself, without student loans! He graduated with honors, wisely debt-free, and teaching others how to do the same. Coming out has not changed Sean — it’s Scott and I that have changed. And for that, I thank my Heavenly Father. He blessed us with the gift of learning about something we thought only others needed to worry about. I love Sean today as much, if not more, than ever.
May God bless you in all of your experiences, discoveries and life lessons.
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