When Scott Mackintosh wore the shorty-shorts we were inundated with interviews, phone calls and emails, the message that stood out and drove us to SPEAK were the many that said,
“I wish someone cared that much about me to do something like that.”
THAT tugged at our hearts and spurred us to talk about issues surrounding self-esteem, self-worth and the confidence to dance the dance, even when others say you can’t.
Scott and I have had many cool, inspiring and motivating experiences in our life, along with lots of hard lessons learned. THIS equipped us with many true life stories that EMPOWER others, Build CONFIDENCE and MOTIVATES real change. It’s rewarding to see someone’s eyes light up when they are able to see themselves as God sees them.
When our son told us he was gay and two years later we decided to go public, the response was mind-bogling, again inundated with hundreds of emails opened our eyes to the GREAT need for us to continue to be open, honest and REAL about our experience and lessons learned. Not everyone wants to be an open book, but everyone I meet desires to feel loved, respected, accepted and valued for who they are and the diversity they bring. We choose to be their voice.
Therefore…
using humor, courage and a whole lot of LOVE, we SPEAK from our heart in an effort to motivate YOU to put the FUN back in LIFE and Relationships.
Lately I have had a hard time sleeping, I stay up late, get up early and toss and turn in-between. After another restless night, I logged onto Facebook with the intent to share what was on my mind. As I wiped the tears from my face, I let my feelings spew onto my Facebook wall…
“It is with great sadness that I write this. It’s been almost a year since my son and I did a video of what it was like growing up living in FEAR of telling your parents or telling anyone you are gay. FEAR of being rejected and contemplating suicide as the best and only answer so no one would know. Ever!
I have received hundreds of emails from gay young men from around the world who stumble upon our video and for the first time feel HOPE—hope that perhaps their parents would or could be as loving.
AGAIN last night I received another long email from a young man pouring his heart out – his worries – his fears – his lack of feeling any self-worth and battling daily depression – fighting the hurtful things that are said in church and in his home, drilling the confusion and pain even deeper.
This young man is only 18 and feels taking his life would be best—he said his father made it CLEAR to him and his brothers a couple of years ago, when his cousin “came out”, that IF any of his sons were gay they would no longer be his son!
He said, “I cried myself to sleep that night!”
This young man has chosen not to serve a mission, he is feeling the heat from his leaders and especially his mother. He is so fearful of telling them the REAL reason behind not wanting to serve a mission – so fearful that he just wants to end his life – feeling THAT would be the better option rather than have his parents know they have a gay son who is dying inside and has been battling depression most his life because of his inner battle.
His story mirrors TOO many young men I hear from—SERIOUSLY this has to STOP! CHILDREN deserve to feel loved especially from their parents. It broke my heart to know my husband and I had created a home where our own son lived in FEAR of telling us—fear of rejection. Our son was 24, THAT is what breaks my heart, NOT that he is gay.
One of the greatest desires of every child and human being is to feel LOVED, ACCEPTED and VALUED for who they are NOT “Tow the line OR be BOOTED out of the HOME” – THAT does NOT feel like love to anyone. God does not force us to keep His commandments—He lovingly guides us with LOVE unfeigned. Parents DO THE SAME!!
I promise a GAY son (or daughter) is far BETTER than having a DEAD son (or daughter)! Any day.”
I really didn’t expect many people to read such a long Facebook post – It felt good to get it off my chest. I resumed responding to this young man’s plea, praying he could not only feel my love, but feel his Heavenly Father’s love.
The unexpected happened…
The response was positive, with over 90 shares. This young man’s story had not only tugged at my heart, but was touching the heart of others including his own. He told me he read every Facebook comment and was deeply touched by the love he felt from total strangers. It gave him HOPE to know people REALLY do care.
The yearning to feel his parents love and acceptance continues, it’s a dream he unfortunately doesn’t anticipate happening for many years to come. I pray he is wrong.
I continue to have restless nights worrying about “my boys”, the young men who reach out to me in desperation, who live in fear of rejection and contemplating suicide.
What can we do to help?
It’s simple, love your children, your spouse, your co-workers, your peers, your neighbor your friends. Open your heart and mind to see people as people. Everyone I meet desires to feel loved, safe, respected accepted and valued for who they are. Create the space that feels safe to talk about feelings without feeling judged and rejected. If they can feel your love, they can feel their Father in Heaven’s love.
This young man could be your son, your co-worker, your peer, your neighbor, your friend. Let people know YOU care.
Do you have an unruly teenager that says the “H” word? Do you want to know what your teenager is REALLY saying when they say I HATE you?
Besides the obvious, “My emotions have come to a head and I don’t know a better way to express myself.” What you really want to know is what is BEHIND all that built up emotion. Right?
If you are a parent, you know that raising kids, especially getting through those teenage years is a journey, perhaps a roller-coaster better describes it! I’m not a therapist or a counselor just a REAL parent talking about the joys and the nitty-gritty PAINS of parenting, the stuff that keeps parents awake at night!
Growing up I couldn’t wait to be a mother! I loved kids! In fact, I wanted TEN children – I thought how hard could raising TEN children be? I was certain all I had to do was “love” them and be the “cool” mom and have great communication with my children and they would grow up without a hitch. That was my plan!
My husband Scott and I were mostly on the same page in how to raise our children, at least we had the same end goal, which was to raise our children into responsible, independent and productive adults.
We had our first five children in six and a half years – now that alone accounted for some craziness in our home – especially when I blinked and realized all FIVE were TEENAGERS at the same time!! Double yikes! ….and three were GIRLS! Triple yikes! Yes, I wanted TEN children, but when number seven was born it felt like ten and our family felt complete, so we named him Skye, cause sky’s the limit. And that youngest son just turned 18! Another YIKES! They grow up too fast.
It didn’t take long after becoming a mother before REALITY set in and I realized every child was born with their own unique and distinct personality, and I discovered what worked for one child did NOT work for the next.
It’s no secret that children come into our homes without a “How to properly raise me instruction guide.” – it’s a learn as you go process. And just when you think you have it figured out they hit puberty and you are back to square one!
What was suppose to be a straight line from A to Z turned out to be all loop-de-looped and squiggly.
As rough as it may sound, there is a lot of JOY in raising kids, yes even TEENAGERS! In fact, my husband Scott says,
“If you are not having fun then you are doing something wrong!”
But when you are in the midst of a trial it is rough! There is a reason I color my hair and have bags under my eyes and calluses on my knees from the many long pleading prayers with God over a child – especially during those teen years. Don’t get me wrong – the TEEN years were and are some of my favorite years!
NOW back to the question of the day….
What your teenager is REALLY saying when they say I HATE you?
If you are a parent, you too have had episodes of getting upset, during which you lose all logical and reasoning brain cells and say something you wish we had NOT said.
One thing about kids is that they don’t hide their feeling. You know when they are happy – you know when they are sad, mad etc… They don’t leave it up to you to guess their mood – they show it! They whine, they suddenly strike out at a sibling, they scream I HATE you! Their feelings and moods can change on a dime. Their emotions come to a head and they don’t know any better way than to shout out what they are feeling.
Do you remember the first time your teenager said “I HATE you”? Perhaps you were like me, livid, you couldn’t believe what you had just heard – you their parent, their provider, their nurturer was being told “I HATE you!” I wanted to give them something to really hate me about. But as a parent and an adult, I restrained my initial thought to lash out, and I replied as calmly as I could muster, “I’m sorry you feel that way, but you are not exactly at the top of my like list right now.”
Sometimes the hardest parenting task is keeping your own emotions in check.
The top 3 parenting tips to dealing with an unruly teenager:
#1 Keep your cool – Don’t get too worked up when your teenager says they hate you. If means you are doing your job! You are being their parent which trumps being their friend. Don’t get me wrong, you want to be their friend too, but being their parent comes FIRST and far most. Wait until things have calmed down then talk about it. It doesn’t do any good to try to resolve a conflict when emotions are running high.
#2 Get to the root of the problem – What is behind the built up emotion? Every situation is different. Sometimes what’s behind the anger is obvious, other times you are completely BAFFLED and clueless. LISTEN and LOOK for the hidden clues – the non-verbal clues – their body language. The words “I hate you” may be the outlet from having a bad day and you just got the brunt of it OR it may be masking something more serious.
Asking questions, once they have cooled down, is a good way to find out what’s bothering them. Getting to the root of what is making them feel so angry and frustrated is key to resolving conflict – this is not always easy and sometimes it’s like peeling an onion.
#3 Love UNCONDITIONALLY with no BUT’s. Look for the good and sincerely tell them how much you appreciate them and love them. Rather than only praising your child’s accomplishments, encourage and praise effort. Teens love to know they are appreciated and needed.
As I have traveled the world speaking and coaching as far away as India. I’ve yet to meet anyone, especially a teenager that does NOT want to “fit in” to feel loved, safe, trusted, respected, appreciated and valued for who they are. Most important at the end of the day is that your teenager knows you LOVE them, both in words and in action. It’s as simple as an “I love you” and a heartfelt hug.
What your teenager is REALLY saying when they say I HATE you….
“You’re doing your job as a parent and I don’t like it. But keep loving me – I need to know I’m valued and needed.”
Becky Mack’s Life Lesson: See past, through and beyond the “I hate you.”
Growing up in the 60’s, 70’s and even into the 80’s I knew only a handful of people who were divorced. Today unfortunately, that number is much higher and some are my dearest friends who have been through some really tough stuff. It wasn’t the ending they imagined, but the right ending for a new beginning.
Experience and life has shown me that no marriage or person is perfect, that’s part of the learning and growing process. But to go through life’s challenges with someone you love by your side makes life sweeter.
SooooOooo… you are married or thinking about getting married and want to know….
What’s the SECRET to a HaPpY marriage?
Here’s what I have seen and experienced to be the REAL secret behind a happy marriage…
Marriage is a two-way partnership consisiting of respect, love, integrity, loyalty, honesty, forgiveness, compassion, empathy, trust, communication and commitment!
If any of those virtues are lacking, relationships suffers – some beyond repair.
“Marriage is not for wimps or the selfish. Marriage is not 50 – 50. Marriage is 100 – 100.”
I married a man that had all the qualities on my “must have list” and I was confident that we would work through any challenges that came our way. And guess what? I was RIGHT! It hasn’t been smooth sailing, but so far we are 100% in getting through the challenges that life brings, including raising 7 children. And that is something to celebrate!
September 22 (2014) is our 31st wedding anniversary. I am grateful to have a man that loves me, adores me and gives 100% to not only our marriage, but to everything that he does. He’s not perfect, I’m not perfect, but we are perfect at being committed to each other – perfect at getting through the tough stuff, and perfect at trying to DO better and BE better everyday.
Thank you Scott Mackintosh for thinking that girl you bumped into on the dance floor of Frisco Bay 31 years ago was worth pursuing! I’m that lucky girl – I’m married to not only the BEST.DAD.EVER, but I’m married to the BEST.HUSBAND.EVER.
There you have it! The SECRET to a HaPpY Marriage is Respect, Love, Integrity, Loyalty, Honesty, Forgiveness, Compassion, Empathy, Trust, Communication and Commitment!
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